In the words of that creepy plastic surgery experiment known as Joan Rivers, can we talk? Can we talk about boots? Because the weather is getting cooler, and we are officially entering boots season. And I am bracing myself for the pangs of envy that I always feel this time of year.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m not really a boots kind of gal. I swore off Uglies a long time ago—oops, I mean Uggs. And while sleek ankle boots look smashing on others, they’re not very flattering on me as they shorten my already stumpy legs.

But the biggest source of my lingering angst is a pair of black leather knee-high Donald J. Pliner boots that I bought at Nordstrom more than a decade ago. After trying on a gazillion pairs, they were the only ones that I could get zipped up past the widest part of my calves! And even with the elastic panel that was supposed to provide a little “give,” my legs were stuffed into those cylinders for dear life. I was tired and my defenses were down, so I bought them against my better judgment. Needless to say, they weren’t particularly comfortable, and I wore them maybe five times before handing them over to Goodwill in sad disgust. That’s when I knew that I fell into the camp of The Calves.

In contrast, these lucky ladies are clearly part of the other tribe, The Calve-Nots:

Anja Rubik (Isabel Marant Fall 2011 RTW)

Anabela Belikova (Thakoon Fall 2011 RTW Collection)

The long and lithe legs of The Calve-Nots were made for boots. It’s the equivalent of flying first class: their calves have space to breathe and move around gracefully. Meanwhile, my curvy calves are stuck in coach: squeezed into a narrow little area desperate for elbow room.

I’m heartened to know that I’m only one of many Calves in this world, and shoe brands like J.Crew have responded by creating “fuller calf” or “extended calf” sizes for some of their offerings. But, not surprisingly, there’s still some, ahem, room for improvement. I was chatting recently with a good friend and colleague. She was lamenting the fact that the Hunter boots she wanted to buy on a certain retailer’s website were not available in the fun Apple Green color as a fuller calf size.

Available for The Calve-Nots only: Hunter Original Rain Boots in Apple Green

Let me elaborate. The extended calf version of the Hunter Original is called the Huntress, but it’s available only in three basic colors: black, glossy black and navy.

For The Calves: Hunter Huntress Rain Boots in Glossy Black

For the record, we Calves would enjoy Huntress boots in the Originals’ Glossy Violet, Vintage Yellow, and Cranberry hues. The right to wear vibrant colors is universal and shouldn’t be reserved for the select few.

So let’s hear it for color parity for The Calves as well as The Calve-Nots!

*I realize the correct spelling should be Calves-Nots, but hey, I’m taking some poetic license.

Note: All runway images from style.com

Update on Jan. 21, 2014: Here’s a slideshow of wide-calf boots from Refinery29.

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  1. […] It’s not a detailed profile of some life-altering product. Nor is it a witty riff on a wardrobe challenge. While I still had to work at selecting, editing and ordering the images, it’s just a simple, […]

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Aspirations, Fashion, What's In My Wardrobe

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